Linked In
Buenos Diaz! So, it was a couple of years ago that a tall,
slender, red-headed beauty in the state of Arizona joined an online community
called for professional networking. A friend suggested she join to make some connections
that might aid in her pursuit of landing a job in sunny southern California. This
site seemed like as good a start as any in her search for new employment and a
new direction, so join Linked In and cross her fingers Miss Ginger quickly did.
It wasn’t long before a strapping young specimen of the male
and Polish American persuasion took interest in Miss Ginger’s profile. He was
tall, he was dreamy, lived here in San Diego, and worked in a field related to
her own. For the latter reasons alone and not at all because of his dashing good looks, she reached out to him via
InMail and picked his brain about the job scene. The InMails became Face Time
calls, then Face Time lead to texts. It started out platonically enough, but
soon the tone began to shift. The convo became a little less “Have you seen
this job posting?” and a little more “Hey sexy fox, how many baby foxlets do
you want someday? What are your thoughts on Jesus and immigration reform? And
do you like cats?”
He liked her, she liked him; he was moved by her passion,
she found him endlessly hilarious. He played soccer, she wrote in journals.
They both liked cats and country music. They agreed to meet in person and BOOM!
CLAP! WOW! Sparks flew, angels sang and trumpets sounded in the distance. Ginger
soon packed her bags and joined her beau in California. It was obvious early on
that this shit was for real.
This weekend Ginger took another trip, this time down an
aisle. There her lover stood waiting to make her a wife. She’s joined Linked In
to find a job, she ended up with her soul mate. She’d wanted to connect, and
connect she sure did.
Inspired by their the love and commitment, I’ve reflected a
lot on how I’ve come to feel about love. So, here we go: Ginger and Kulpa, this
one’s for you.
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Lesson 1: Your love’s
not my love and my love ain’t your love.
Whether you’re falling in love are deep in the throes of it,
inherently someone (and probably multiple someones) will tell you what steps to
take next. They’ll tell you what worked for them, or preach about what didn’t;
they’ll tell you when it’s too early to do or say or want something, and also
when it’s too late to consider such a thing. They’ll offer up a formula for how
many days it takes to really know someone. Everyone has two cents to offer you if
you want to be happy.
We’ve all been through this; one person will have a friend
whose cousin’s dog walker married her husband after knowing him for 3 days and
has been married for 50+ years, but someone else will know a girl who knew her
man for a week when they walked down the aisle and was divorced quicker than
Kim K dumped husband number two. The world will tell you there are certain
rules, terms and conditions that you must adhere to and obey or else be
destined for loveless misery and a life as a spinster with cats. This just isn’t
the case, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m new to this like of thinking-
love is truly different from person to person.
I myself spent years thinking people who get engaged before
dating for at least a year were absolutely
out of their effing minds. My philosophy has been that it’s easy to be dazed
and googly-eyed in the first year. It’s what comes next that really sets the
tone. Then I met Ginger Spice and the Polish Dream, and I was forced to eat quite
the healthy portion of humble pie. They’d dated for a grand total of seven
months when they got engaged and there is nothing about that which makes any
less than perfect sense to me.
Now, do I think this whirlwind romance makes sense for everyone?
Nah, playa. What works for Couple A may
spell disaster for Couple B. There are no universal rules, no blueprint or foolproof
recipe that ensures a particular outcome in a relationship. Yes, there are
certain truths about love that I think we can all agree on; overall though, I
think that love is just too complex and delicate a thing to be or mean the same
thing for the millions of people on this planet and their various DNA
combinations. Love is too beautifully wondrous and mysterious a thing to be
approached so methodically, so practically. I’ve vowed recently never scoff at
love just because it’s packaged a little differently than the common ideal.
Your love is different than mine, and that’s how it should be.
Lesson 2: Love is a choice.
How many times have you heard the words, “You can’t choose
who you love?” If you’re anything like me, the answer is “a f*ck ton.” Your
wording might be different than mine. Sorry about that.
Accepting that this adage is not indeed true has been one of
the greater revelations of my life. It is a concept first brought to my
attention by one of my best friends Daisy after attending a very spiritual wedding
treat with her fiancé a few weeks ago. The realization that love is actually a
choice has been sobering and at once liberating in turn. If you think about it,
“you can’t choose who you’re attracted to” is far more accurate a statement.
Chemistry, sparks, butterflies, chills- those are the feelings and sensations that
you can’t fake or force. They may take time to develop but they’re either going
to be there, or not. If they are, you may fall in love if the timing, lighting
or alcohol by volume is right.
Falling in love, however, is not the same as actively loving
someone- that’s a horse of a different color. You fall without thinking or
planning, you stay because you want and then choose to. Loving someone,
especially after the gloss and sparkle of a new relationship has waned, is indeed
something we can choose to either pursue or abandon. We choose whether to
continue down that path, to give of ourselves, to make time for this other
person, to consider their existence as it affects and fits in with our own. We choose
to compromise, to listen; to forgive, to understand; to engage, to be present; to
be honest, to be patient. It is not an accident or the result of dumb luck when
love endures. It is a voluntary, physical practice that we have to work at, and
it isn’t always easy.
This may sound burdensome at first; to me, it’s rather
beautiful and empowering. If love is a choice, then we can choose to keep the
flame burning. When two people make that courageous choice to say “Hey, so, you’re
the one. You make me all kinds of stupid happy. So sit down and strap in,
because we’re going to remember our love for one another even when the going
gets tough,” that is invigorating and noteworthy. It is my sincerest hope that
if I do find someone crazy enough to handle my particular brand of crazy
someday, that he be brave enough to choose to love me, actively and honestly with
all that he has to give.
Love is friendship on
fire.
If there is one thing I know to be true, it is this indeed
that love is friendship on fire. I have it engraved on a necklace and I tout
the phrase every chance I get. People say this so often that it begins to sound
banal, but your partner really should be your best friend. Love works best, in
my observance, when it takes on the form on a deep, meaningful, laughter-filled
friendship. The couples I know who have
persisted and continue to thrive are the ones who are notably each other’s most
trusted companion. When my mother has some great and exciting news, my father
is the first one she thinks to call. When my friend has a hilarious story to
share, she can’t wait to call her boyfriend to tell it. That seems to be the
key, to see in your partner not just a person to eat with, sleep with and go to
the movies with, but as your favorite person in the world with whom you can’t
wait to spend your day.
In closing, to my newlywed friends- I applaud you for daring
to making your own rules. They are your own and no one else’s. Own them, live
them, thrive in them off into the sunset. I hope you will choose to love one
another every bit as much tomorrow as you do today, and every other day as much
as the one before. Value your love and the friendship that exists at its core,
then set it on fire and let it be the force that binds you. Remember the
meaning of the bands you each wear on your fingers and the vows you spoke to
each other but a short week ago; I salute your connection and wish you even more
happiness that you’ve already known. You’re all linked in and ready to go.; go
be happy forever.
Bookishly yours,
Vanessa
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They seriously give each other looks like this all the time.
Maids in Waiting.
This chick. Ugh. Making bridal look effortless.
Ginger and the Bookworm
